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	2006.03.25 02.24 My ass is totally shredded man. I've had the shits for three days and I feel like I've got a hot coal jammed up my rectum. ps. Shaun Wright Phillips is the black (African American) Frankie Dettori. pps. Does anyone still use coal or is it just wood and gas etc now? ppps. Speaking of electricity, the light in my bathroom takes about 10 seconds to come on from when you pull the thing. Speed of light my asshole.



	2006.01.10 02.20 I forgot to tell you all, I turned 30 a month ago. Weird.



	2006.01.10 01.53 "Never Seen A Clown Like You Before You Brutal Wankmaster." I heard that Keane have a new album coming out, let's see if the lads can match their success from last year. Speaking of music, I have written a song, sort of, it's really just a chorus because that's all I've really got so far, and at the moment it's really just lyrics because I can't actually do music, but I can hear the tune in my head (basically). Anyway, here are the lyrics, and you have to imagine it will sound really good and rocky, but not too heavy and so that people can dance to it and even kids and grans can sing along. Sort of like Keane mixed with Bruce Springsteen but with bits of The Beatles and The Stones blended in to make one big killer number one record!!! Here are the lyrics then: I'M ON A ROCKET TO THE MOON GOT MY TICKET, CAN'T LEAVE TO SOON LOOKING DOWN FROM THE SKY TIME FOR ME TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO EEEEAAAARTH!!!! (--- THAT BIT WHERE IT SAYS EARTH IS WHEN IT GOES UP REALLY HIGH AND LOUD, IMAGINE THE BOSS SINGING IT) YEAH A ROCKET TO THE MOON DANCIN' TO A DIFFERENT TUNE DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHY IT WAS JUST TIME FOR ME TO SAY GOOD-BYE It probably needs some work but what the fuck.



	2006.01.09 04.02 BABE I'M JUST A SCARED AND LONELY RIDER BUT I GOTTA KNOW HOW IT FEELS I WANNA KNOW IF LOVE IS WILD BABE I WANT TO KNOW IF LOVE IS REEEEEAAAAAAL (Bruce Springsteen)



	2006.01.08 00.01 I'm back muthafukkaz. That's right, you read right. Back (again!!). It's been a bit of a ride. I got put on different tablets and they (my doctor)finally referred me to a therapist who I went to see for seven sessions, and some very interesting conversations we had too. Unfortunately as much as I'd like to I can't tell you the details of the conversations due to a small matter called DOCTOR-PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY. Let's just say a lot of ground was covered and I have really got to get my life on track because I'm hitting my 30's now and soon no-one will want to really employ me. So that's where we join each other again. Obviously there was the very small matter of a certain annual festival known as...er, what's it called again...oh yeah, you might have heard of it, oh yeah that's right CHRISTMAS (AND NEW YEAR). But we'll talk about that mess of cunts tomorrow.



	2005.09.10 20.50 That last entry was the work of a twat. Just stop it. Mood: cold



	2005.08.11 01.51 IF THERE IS A GOD WHY DOES HE LET THE WORLD BE SO HORRIBLE AND WHY DOES HE LET ME BE SO SAD!! Mood: angry



	2005.07.24 01.49 I had my pizza, it was nice. Four Seasons. Watched Maid In Manhattan which wasn't too bad really. It reminded me of Pretty Woman a bit but it was a bit more serious than Pretty Woman. J-Lo is quite good at acting but I don't know if I'd go to the pictures to see her, although it would depend on the film. I mean I know you wouldn't know how much you liked the film until you'd seen it (unless you watched it illegally on the internet, which I wouldn't do, and if you did that you would have already seen the film and then you wouldn't need to go to the cinema in the first place) but I just mean if she was in something like Spiderman 3 I would go and see her at the pictures, but not if she was in the Wedding Planner, which she was, but which I saw on dvd and it wasn't too bad. So the police shot a man who it turns out wasn't a bomber. I feel sorry for him but what the hell was he doing running away from them? Maybe he hadn't bought a ticket. Still, it's a bit harsh getting shot for not buying a ticket. If that turns out to be the real reason he was trying to escape them, then the last thought that went through his mind might have been "shit, I wish I'd just paid two quid now, or whatever it costs for a tube journey". But seriously, the guy must have seen the news over the last few weeks. You know how there are just times when you feel all annoyed and displaced and you can't find anything that you want to do? I feel like that now. I don't want to listen to music, I don't want to watch tv, I don't want to go out, I don't want to stay in, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to read, I don't want to dance, I don't want to drink beer, I don't want a cup of tea, I don't want to go anywhere, I just don't want to do anything, and it's annoying the boobs out of me to be perfectly honest. Don't even mention sex!!! Mood: bored



	2005.07.23 18.25 As you will notice this is my first post since the London Bombings which killed 52 people. It's a very bad time. I have been to London twice and if I had decided to go on that particular day it could have even been me on that bus or one of those tube trains. The point is that it could have been any one of us. It could have been your mum even. It made me very sad but we won't give in to terrorists, although it does put me off going to London. Mind you I probably wouldn't be going there anyway as I'm still just about dealing with going to the end of my road. My walks are going okay but I don't manage to do it every day, which you are meant to, but there you go, I'm just being honest. Some days I just can't do it. I think that's fair enough as long as you admit it, which is exactly what I'm doing. It doesn't seem like the time for jokes with the bombs and everything. It's mental when something like religion causes people to kill other people. I'm not really a religious person but each to their own I say, until you start blowing fuckers up because that's just bang out of fucking order and you can tell that to the judges. I'm getting a pizza delivered for tea. I feel lonely. It's pissing down outside. I do quite like it when it rains and I'm inside but sometimes I just get so lonely and so bored I would rather be out in the rain. Anyway I'm going to go and listen to some music, maybe watch some tv, or I might watch Maid In Manhattan on dvd which is a J-Lo film. I also have to make some dinner at some point, there's just so much to do. No, shit, I don't need to make dinner, I'm ordering a pizza. Forget that bit (about having to make dinner). FOUR SEASONS PLEASE MR PANCHOS. Mood: pensive



	2005.06.30 01.49 Keane were just on tv live at the wireless festival. They were the headline band which goes to show how far they've come in a short space and time. Good luck to them I say. I would like to see them in concert one day. I haven't been to many concerts really. The best one I ever saw was Pulp, it's just amazing to be with that many people all singing along, although I think some people got a bit too drunk. One guy I know, well I don't know him so well, he's mum and Don's insurance man actually, he said he went to see Oasis and got so drunk that he couldn't remember the show at all. I didn't say this to him but he may as well just have gone to the pub and got hammered. The tickets aren't cheap either, about £30 probably. Still, it's his money and his own life. I just think it's a shame really. I like a drink as much as anyone but when I went to see Pulp I only had two pints because otherwise you'd end up being out the game and the whole thing would turn into a blur (not Blur the band, although I do like them sometimes). Did my little walk again today. They say it gets easier the more you do it but I'm not so sure. Still not going as far as Roger's house but I did see Glenn again today. I hadn't really noticed before but he is quite old. He's been there for a long long time I suppose. He still wandered over to say hello though. I like Glenn. There's another one a few doors down from Glenn called Boz or something and he's a yappy little prick (a white Scottie terrier), just barks and barks like an idiot. He's alright once you pat him on the head though. Must be annoying for the neighbours, having a noisy knobhead like that barking at all hours. Haven't seen or heard Jingle for a while - he's the one who lives behind my house. Maybe he finally escaped from his stupid owner!! RUN FOR IT JINGLE! RUN FOR YOUR LITTLE DOG LIFE!!!!



	2005.06.28 14.09 "IT'S A LONG WAY, TO THE TOP IF YOU WANNA ROCK AND ROLL."



	2005.06.28 13.47 So I'm just taking one day at a time, which is all you can do. I've just got back from my walk to the end of the road. It's only about a 4 minute walk but this is what you have to do, just a little bit each day. There are old people around here who walk to the shops and they aren't scared, unless they really are but just hide it underneath their massive coats. I am okay out there until I see another human being. My road is quite a nice one to walk down though as there are a few houses with pet dogs and they let the dogs in the garden, especially in this nice weather. There is one dog in particular who is very nice called Glenn and he is a collie of some kind I think. When you go past his garden he comes over but don't be frightened he is a very friendly dog. He puts his head on the wall and you can pat his head and say hello Glenn, how are you today? Glenn is a nice animal. His owner seems alright as well. There are a few other dogs along the way to the shops at the end of the road and most of them are nice except for Roger who is a total bastard of a dog, he would bite you without so much as a by your leave. His owner is a bit of a cunt too so the best thing is to just stay the fuck away from Roger's house, the pair of bastards. Roger actually bit a lad a few years ago, he should have been put down but the owner wouldn't do it. I thinkmaybe some of the kids should be put down round here too. Fair enough they haven't bitten anyone, but they do attack people and fire things at them from catapults and hit people with bottles, so what's the difference? At least Roger has the excuse that he is an animal. Anyway at the moment I'm not walking as far as Roger's house so I don't need to worry about that twat just yet. If you are ever in the area though you should stop and say hello to Glenn, he is extremely nice and will make you feel very calm and welcome. Right I'm so hungry I could eat a fucking treehouse so I'm off to make a butty.



	2005.06.27 16.11 well, another syringe of a day injects itself into my eyeball, which is basically a deadly metaphor for life going on. So I haven't been well. I am feeling better now in a way. I feel like I have come through something, perhaps a tunnel or a Bermuda Triangle of human nature. People disappear in the Bermuda triangle but I made it through because mum says I'm a fighter but I think it was more the tablets I am on (yup, I ended up taking them and they helped a lot - don't be ashamed of taking medication to get you through a difficult time, there's absolutely no shame in it, after all if you had a broken arm you'd put it in a cast wouldn't you? That's what my doctor said and in the end I agreed). What basically happened to me was that I was seriously depressed which happens to a lot of us but I was more depressed than I realised which also happens to a lot of us, plus I was denying it really. On top of this I did not have a job and also I wasn't getting any company because I just don't really know anybody round here and this created a deadly triangle of events which led to the deadly metaphor of mental collapse because I was just exhausted and in the end your body and brain can't take it, and it just shuts down on you. If this has happened to any of you I can really sympathise. A few things helped me get through it. One was my mum, who really looked after me and without her I don't know what would have happened. Another was my doctor and the medication I got put on although they're saying that might have done something to my heart as a bad side effect and they're going to take me off it and put me on something else, but not to worry too much as it's probably fine - it's horses for courses I suppose. Another turn up for the books was My fake cousin Kevin Proverbs (Pam's son) who turns out is really not bad at all, after all that. He's been to Cuba and India and stuff like that and I think it really must have sorted his head out. I have been staying at mum and Don's for the past few months and Kevin came over a few times to see me because he had heard I wasn't doing too well. He copied me some really boss music and he's really quite cool now. People do change, it just goes to show you. It hasn't been a good time but things are looking up because you have to carry on. I was crying a lot, just walking round the rooms in the house and crying then going back to bed or looking out of the window at the birds in the garden. I just needed to rest. I am back home now and I go out for a short walk each day, because that was another problem I had, I was so scared of going out of my house and that's not like me, I've always been a real adventurer and a good walker, even when I was little and mum and nana took me london they said I walked and walked to all the museums and my little legs must have been so tired but I never complained once. Mum said I was always a good child really, I never made a fuss and was polite and well behaved. She has always told me I am a good person and never to let anyone tell me I am worthless or make me feel that I am stupid or undeserving. It got to the point though where I was drinking (alcohol) just to leave the house which is self medication. There are some horrible people out there, but some good ones too. I have to remember there are good people. I'm sorry I'm not my usual fun-style Salt but I'm recovering and being more honest with myself. Sometimes you have to accept that you can't always play the office joker because the smile might be painted on. Anyway let's not be down, this year's Glastonbury will be remembered for a long time as one of the best ones although for many of us it was sad watching the tv coverage without John Peel, but like I said, life goes on, it just has to. I'll be back later or tomorrow. I am going to sit on the garden with a cup of tea and just enjoy the sunshine. You only get one life and it's a shame to waste it locked in doors as a prisoner of your own fear. There is beauty even in the simplest of gardens. If you don't have a garden even just look at the trees with the birds in, or go to a nearby park if you can manage it, because you don't get a second chance. Once this day is gone it's gone forever. Peace. John.



	2005.06.26 02.52 Remembered what I wanted to say: they closed down Strawberry Fields, the real one. Why don't they learn?



	2005.06.26 02.39 It was 20 years ago today Sgt Pepper taught the saltster to play! He's been going in and out your bum but he's guaranteed to have some fun so may I introduce to you The man you know through all these teeeeeaaaars SGT PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAAA HAAA HEEE HAAAAND! PLEASE DON'T SUE ME BEATLES. That was just a sort of intro to me coming back. It's funny, I started this over a year ago, can you believe that? Believe it, you can go and check the fucking date. I checked it myself which is how I knew it had been over a year, and the other thing that I found out to my dismay was that they've changed the colours on page one to a wasp style. Unless I might have done it, it's possible. Anyway. I haven't been well because I had a breakdown. I'll tell you about it. It's a bit sad I suppose. You know what got me back on here? Yup...that's right - Glastonbury is back on the tv, and Keane were on it doing Somewhere Only We Know, and I remembered there IS somewhere only we know, and it's right here in my journal/the internet. It's good to be back I think. I'm a bit fucked though. I'll tell you about it over the next few days or a week. Welcome back John (and everyone).



	2005.03.31 14.49 I have had what is known as a nervous breakdown. Mood: mellow



	2005.01.21 02.17 Okay I'm back from mum and Don's. I stayed there for about a month. Mum said she was worried about me and even Don said I was welcome to stay there. I've been doing a lot of thinking. Mum told me I am definitely depressed. At first I thought this was because I was telling her about how I wanted people to die in fires but she said she'd been concerned about me for a long time. In fact she had already told me ages ago that she was worried and that I was depressed. I didn't do this journal at Don's coz he's a bit weird about his computer. But in a way it was good because it made me think on my own and now I am a bit older and perhaps a bit wiser. I am depressed. I am not well. It isn't my fault. I will be back tomorrow, this was just to say hi to everyone or anyone or no-one that reads this. Hope everyone is okay donkay. I've already fucked up my new year's resolutions so let's just see what happens from here on in. a ding-ding-ding-ding-dindindinding-ding -mmmmbbbbwwwwwwaaaAAAAAAAhhhhhh bambedebambedebambedebambambambambahdeeengdngdng aaaWWWWHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!



	2004.12.17 15.38 Grab hold of you cocks because this might be my last entry of this year, or at least before Christmas. I haven't been filling this in. I am at Don's (and mum's) and excitement is running at a high because, shit I don't know how many shopping days are left now, but a lot of people across the country (Britain) are starting to feel the panic. I haven't got my mum anything yet and even if I did I couldn't put it in here because she might read it and that would spoil it, so for that same reason I can't also tell you what I'm thinking of getting her. I also need to get Don something but I'll probably just get him a bottle of scotch. So where have I been then you wonder? Well let me just say this: maybe I do things that you don't know about, perhaps I have an element of mystery about me, did you ever think of that? People like mystery, they are interested in it, and who knows, maybe there's a certain girl in the world who one day might find me mysterious. I could be her mystery man and she wouldn't know where I was all the time, maybe for a few days at a stretch while I was away doing who knows what, but I wouldn't be cheating on her because I wouldn't do something like that. I'd come back and she would be able to tell by the look in my eyes that I had not been unfaithful and we would be in love and there would be just the right element of mystery, but not too much because that could lead lead to paranoia and plates being thrown and before you know it the police are called out asking is everything alright madame, and she's screaming "he's a cheating bastard, he's got a fancy lady in the city" and the officer would be like "is this true sir?" and I'd be saying "no, I just do things out of town now and again" and try to explain myself but there can be no mystery from the police, you have to tell them the whole truth. In this respect too much mystery = misery (mystery/misery!!!) so the key is just having the right amount, I don't want to make any one jealous. Hey, tell you what John, worry about it when you have a wife, HAAAAAAAAAA. So anyway I have been very depressed and I'm okay with talking about it. I have been prescribed some anti-depressants and I collected them from the chemist about two weeks ago, but I haven't taken them yet. I just sit staring at them and I'm not sure what to do. I'm sure I'll decide sooner or later, hopefully before new year. Still don't know what I'm doing for new year, just weighing up my options (which is a bit like saying an Ethiopian is deciding what to have for his dinner, "let's see, shall I have the steak with cabbage, or the pasta with sauce? Oh, I know, I'll have that white stuff out of the sacks from the west, because that's all there is!!" Speaking of hungry Ethiopian people, we should all go out and buy Band Aid 20. Okay it isn't as good as the original (no surprise there) but it's for a good cause and the man from Keane is on it.) At the moment mum is talking of going to a do at Pam Proverbs' gaff. This means one thing: Kevin will be there. Unless he's out somewhere else, but I doubt it knowing my luck. I haven't seen Kevin Proverbs for quite a while and I'm not sure I want to. In case you've forgotten he is my fake cousin and he is a theiving bastard and malicious. Anyway we'll see. Also I notice I left you all on tenderhooks about the Frankie Dettori thing. Well, he came to town to do a book signing. I was tremendously excited but I couldn't go because I am having a lot of trouble going outside and I am depressed as well. So that was a bit of a damp squid. So, it's getting to that time of year again (Christmas/New Year - wake up!) and a lot of us take stock of what's happened to us over the year. I have not done so well this year to be honest. Today I didn't get up til 3 o'clock pm and I feel like shit, so I call today one - nil (1 - 0) to the world. Fuck knows what the score is over the year. Probably about 362 - 3 or something, I'm sure I had a couple of good days somewhere, although I can't remember them. In fact, that scoreline is assuming that each day the world scores only one against me, which isn't very realistic when you look at actual football scores. Like when I got done over with the bottle that was probably a 10 - 0 trouncing at home. So you're probably looking at about 678 - 9 overall. I haven't got time to work it out, or the necessary memory power. Let's just say that Salt took a battering and the referee was blind to the fouls of the other team and a lot of their players should have been sent off and fined and possibly even banned from the game but no, Salt got hammered, probably because the ref was too scared to book the other cunts. CHEERS REF. NICE ONE, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU, TOO. NO THANKS, I DON'T WANT TO SHAKE YOUR HAND, I'M A BIT TOO ANGRY FOR THAT, ENJOY YOUR FUCKING CHRISTMAS DINNER, YOU FUCKING TURD. Fuck it, the ref's just a guy doing his job at the end of the day. Listen, I've got to go now. Have a good Christmas if I don't speak to you before, and spare a thought for those more lonely than us. We are quite lucky, some of us, when you really think about it. Peace. The Saltster



	2004.12.07 00.51 The White Stripes DVD is fuckin MEGA, and there's only two of the fucking cunts!!! Fuckin' brilliant. Mood: hyper



	2004.12.07 00.46 I am 29 now. I don't feel like writing much. I got the Razorlight album and The White Stripes DVD live under Blackpool Lights. I will write some tomorrow, you must be dying to catch up. Happy birthday John! Yeah, whatever! WHATEVER!!! Mood: frustrated



	2004.12.06 05.53 It's my birthday today. Mood: depressed



	2004.11.22 06.42 Sorry to have left anyone on tenderhooks but my life has been a lot of ups and downs lately, but mainly downs. In fact if my life was a rollercoaster you'd ask for your money back because of the lack of ups and you'd be justified in actually saying to the man "that was more like a normal train ride than a big dipper". It is as well, a normal train ride but with scallies in your carriage taunting you and asking you if you're HIV positive and stealing your hat off you and laughing like a pack of hyenas all around you and you being so scared that you shake and these lads are only about 10 years old but you know they'll still hit you. And who wants to pay fucking money for that? NOT ME, WHICH IS WHY YOU WON'T SEE ME ON ANY TRAINS IN THE NEAR FUTURE. Or buses or anything else. I know I had some exciting news but to be honest I'd rather wait til I'm feeling a bit happier to tell it because right now I'm just not in the mood. My sleep pattern is so rubbish that I missed Keane on Jools Holland and I don't even know what songs they played. Not happy about that and not happy about lots of other things, like my life and all sorts of other shit. FUCK ING BOLLOCKS. It seems that someone has cut the trees at the back of my garden and I am annoyed about it because I don't think they considered any birds that may have been living there. Pricks. I'd like to see them live in a fucking hedge in winter. See how they like Christmas then! The woman who lives at the back of me is a dickhead anyway, she's always trying to call her dog back indoors - "JINGLE! JINGLE! JINGLE! JINGLE! JINGLE! JINGLE!" she says, again and again and again and again and AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. Jingle is the dog's name and he's always shuffling around the other side of my hedge doing a shit and what have you, and she just keeps trying to get him back in, "JINGLE! JINGLE! JINGLE! JINGLE! JINGLE! JINGLE!" The stupid woman!! He's probably trying to GET AWAY from her stupid nagging bastard voice repeating some ridiculous word that he doesn't even understand!! THAT'S WHY HE DOESN'T WANT TO COME BACK INSIDE YOU STUPID BITCH, BECAUSE HE'S SICK OF YOUR STUPID VOICE!!! GET A FUCKING GRIP WOMAN!!! AND THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO CUT A HEDGE DOWN, YOU'LL HAVE TO CUT ME DOWN FIRST!! I am angry and I'm tired and I can't sleep and people are FUCKED UP. Enjoy your day CHOLLOZ.



	2004.11.16 10.32 Back from the dr's. I am now preternaturally tired. But I have news. I am too tired and I am going to make you wait. However I will give you a clue. It has something to do with Frankie Dettori. Laterz!!



	2004.11.16 08.13 It's about 8.13 am. I am so tired but I have been awake all night because I can't sleep and now I can't go to sleep because I have to go to the doctor's at 9.10 am and I think I might try and go on the bus. It should be a safe time. I am so tired. I am not doing so bad though. Not too good. How are you? Keane are on Jools Holland on Friday night. I SUGGEST YOU WATCH IT. I will be watching it. I can't wait. I need to buy food. I am exceptionally hungry. I had a portion of chips from the chippy last night and a tin of rice pudding. The cupboards are bare!!!



	2004.11.10 12.33 Still awake.

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